The Redemptive Power of Invitation

Nothing is reconciled until someone invites.

I am confused over two positions I often hear among believers.

People tell me they want to restore broken relationships, but then they add, “Not now.”

Excuses range from: I am not ready, they are not ready, it is not the right time, coming together will only make things worse, conflict will take care of itself, or time heals all wounds.

Here’s another excuse.

I received an email from a pastor who experienced conflict with a few church elders.

The elders eventually left the church.

The pastor invited them to come together to discuss the conflict.

The elders stated they had “prayerfully considered the suggestion for further discussion and collectively agreed that the cause and testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ in the community would be impacted in a negative manner by any more discussion.”

Instead, the ex-elders started another church.

Actually, reconciliation would have had the bigger impact in the community.

Frankly, there is a huge disconnect in what we say we believe and what we do.

This is particularly true in our approach to resolving conflict.

We know what the Scriptures teach: “go” to the other party whether we are the offender or the offended (Matthew 5:23, 24; 18:15-20); reconciliation of relationships is a prerequisite to worship (Matthew 5:23, 24); deal with today’s anger today (Ephesians 4:26); live in peace (Ephesians 4:3); and seek agreement (I Corinthians. 1:10).

We know Jesus is especially with us during the process of reconciling relationships (Matthew 18:20).

We even know that peacemakers in God’s Kingdom are blessed and identified with the Most High God of Peace (Matthew 5:9).

There is no logic to this disconnect between what we know to be true and how we actually live.

Dr. Jerry Sheveland, President of the Baptist General Conference, makes an important point regarding the best time to resolve conflict.

He simply asks, “Why wait for a harder moment than this one to begin a process of honesty and grace . . ?”

Now is the time for reconciliation.

Don’t wait for a more difficult opportunity.

There is no hope of reconciliation until someone invites the other party into a process of restoring the relationship.

Someone has to do the work of invitation.

Why not now?

Stop Lying to Yourself and Start Reconciling with Others.

Ten Guardian-Lies 

or "Why I do not have to reconcile"

Disclaimer:  There are interpersonal conflicts that are sometimes intractable based on criminal felony offenses, years of abuse, deep emotional wounds, and the like.  I am not writing about those types of complicated conflicts.  I am writing about the normal routine conflicts that people bring into New Path Center every week.

---------------------------------------------------

As a result of serving as a mediator over the last 20 years, I've noticed a pattern.  Sometimes, when I invite conflicted clients to enter a reconciliation process, the clients, along with several other clients, give amazingly similar irrational responses.  I hear the following responses over and over again.  Hence, I have learned to recognize these repeating phrases as "guardian-lies."

A guardian-lie is any belief that hinders a person from moving forward.  People are stuck NOT because of any outside force beyond his or her control.  People are stuck due to their own belief and choice.

(1)

Here are some of the most common guardian-lies that I hear.  These lies keep people from moving forward to reconciliation.

I choose to remain stuck in conflict because:

1. I know the other party will not want to reconcile.
2. Even if the other party says they want to reconcile, they are not showing enough sincerity, remorse, humility, forgiveness, (and so on).
3. Reconciling will only be a waste of time.
4. We have tried to reconcile in the past but it has never worked, and it won't work this time.
5. Any more contact with the other party will only make it worse.
6. There is nothing we could possibly do to make it better
7. The other party knows what they did wrong, they need to come to me.
8. If I have wronged someone, they have the responsibility to come to me.
9. I'm just going to avoid being around the other person.
10. The other party is "crazy!"

1. Dr. Ed Smith, Theophostice Prayer Ministry, adapted by Tony Redfern

Mean Girls and Forgiveness

Some time ago, New Path Center was assigned a juvenile offender case that involved two girls, Marie and Julia.  The case was a referral from the Kingsburg Police Department. The girls had a history of not getting long including verbal attacks, name calling, and escalation with physical violence.    

Other girls knew that the two girls hated each other.  These girls even encouraged Marie and Julia to fight by starting gossip about them in the hope for seeing more drama.  The "spectators" would actually tell Marie what Julia said about her; and, of course, they would tell Julia what Marie said about her.  Then they would watch the sparks fly!

I held individual meetings with both Marie and Julia. Each girl had a parent present in that meeting.  The individual meetings went well as each girl volunteered to participate in a modified 

KCJC

 as one of

four ways

 to address their on-going conflict. 

One of the reasons for the modification was that neither girl wanted their parents involved in the process of reconciliation.  In fact, they really 

didn't

 want me involved.  They felt they could resolve their conflict on their own.  (Hooray for Option 4!)  I told them I would not be making any decisions for them.  They would make the decisions that would shape their future relationship.  I’d be there to help them have a constructive conversation.  They agreed to meet together in the 

NPC

 office with me as their facilitator, i.e. someone to help make the process easier. 

Frankly, I was concerned about the meeting going badly without parents or community members being present.  I felt the meeting could easily turn into a violent Jerry Springer show.  I even considered having a police officer join the meeting or at least request an officer to be on stand-by.

Even so, I decided not to “big deal” it and stayed with the modified KCJC and proceeded to meet with just the two girls.  We started with some ground rules, then talked about what happened, how to make things as right as possible, and lastly, they made some promises about the future.

This was one of the easiest conflicts I have ever facilitated.  The girls stepped up to the higher task of reconciliation.  They did not personally attack each other but shared out of their own brokenness and owned their part in their conflicted past.  At one point their dialogue become so personal, I offered to step out of the meeting to give them some privacy.  They agreed and I left them alone.  I rarely do this out of concern that things can quickly take a turn for the worse.  But the girls did very well.

At the end of the meeting, I asked the girls if they thought they had just experienced

forgiveness

.  They both said yes.  I asked them if they could give me a definition of forgiveness.  They both agreed that forgiveness was when they no longer held the wrongs of the past against each other.  (They got it!)

Before Marie and Julia left my office, I asked them if they wanted to meet again in a few weeks to follow-up and hopefully celebrate their new and improved relationship.  Surprisingly, they agreed to meet with me.  In fact, we agreed to meet at 

Baby Cakes & Ice Cream

 in Kingsburg.  However, when I called to follow-up, they did not return my call or, if they did take my call, they would tell me how busy they were and could not meet.  Finally, I turned back the case to the police department with a note that said, "After several attempts to make contact with the offenders and having left several messages, I am waiving the follow-up meeting.  (Perhaps, the thought of meeting with an old guy over ice cream was not appealing to two young girls.)"  Hence, I considered the case closed but not really sure if things worked out between the two.  

Several weeks went by, and one day Marie and Julia dropped by my office.  They were together, happy, giggling, and just enjoying each other's company.  They said, "We have come for our ice-cream celebration!"  I dropped everything and we walked to Baby Cakes.  The flavor of two scoops of forgiveness tasted sooooo good.

Franky, We Gotsa Four Ways To Do This.

Franky, me and yous hasa beef.  I wanna to work the west side and yousa wanna to work the west side.  How do we solve this beef? - cause right now, we are alls balled-up, capish? (Yeah, I knows that is Sicilian but I like a the way "capish" sounds.)  Anyways, we gotsa four ways to deal with our beef:

1.  Well, I am a powerful man but yous are a powerful man also.  Maybe yous gotsa more power than me?  Maybe I gotsa more power than yous?  Maybe we take yous for a ride and yous loose both your knee caps or worse you wear some cement shoes and go sleep with the fish.

2.  Or we could ask some palooka to make the decision for us?   But maybe, we don't like the decision and then we take the palooka for a ride and bump off the bird.

3.  We could also go to some joint that helps people with a beef.  Kinda like #2, except this palooka is there to help us have a "constructive dialogue" - whatever that is.  We'll havta find out.  He says he has no power but, I am told, he sure looks intimidating.  Anyways, this palooka gives us alls the power to make a decision, but we gotsa share the power.  He's no big cheese or bull.  He just helps us to not beat our gums and not get anything done.  I knows he's gonna ask us, "Why?"  Why do we each wanna work the west side?  He's also gonna ask us to be nice to each other - like we just went to charm-school or something.  He's saying we may even get 100% of what we each want.  Yeah, I know whata dreamer!  He sounds all wet and filled with baloney.  I even heard his name rhymes with baloney.

4.  Hey Franky, maybe he's aright.  But we don't needa this palooka.  I'll tell you why I wanna work the west side and I can be nice.  Alls I'm saying is the west side is very important to me and yous are important to me - yousa like a brother to me. Why don't we meet at some juice-joint and hava a "constructive dialogue."  Together, we can level with each other and, maybe, we walk away with both knee caps, what we want, and we still be friends, capish?  Huh, I kinda sounda like a one of those hard-boiled peacemakers.  I hope that is copacetic with yous.

(Photo by Jason "Red Beard" Wedehase)

Maybe if we knew each other . . .

Sometime ago, a young teen, I will call Eric, broke into an old truck parked beside the truck owner’s home. Eric pried the lock of the passenger door and managed to open it. His intent was to steal the stereo. However, someone saw him and called the city police. As the police came into Eric’s sight, he tried to run from them. But the police caught him.

Eric was placed on probation and the case was turned over to me to serve as a VORP mediator. I facilitated a victim-offender mediation between Eric, his father and the owners of the truck, an older couple.

I’ll call the couple, Frank and Marge. Marge’s elderly father also lived in the home. Frank worked full-time and Marge was self-employed on a part-time basis.

The mediation went well until Eric tried to minimize the damages to the truck. “It was only a seven dollar lock,” he said. Taking that moment, I decided to account for all the damages. I questioned Frank and Marge about how Eric’s offense affected them in terms of hard dollars (out-of-pocket expenses and losses) and soft dollars (other non-direct costs and losses):

“It may have been a $7.00 lock but there was body damage also. We had to take the truck to a body shop and it cost us $250 to have the lock replaced and the body damage repaired,” Marge explained.

Marge also said, “When I had to go to the courthouse to file paperwork, I had to cancel all my appointments. I lost a $100 of income.”

Marge continued, “Plus, I could not leave my 95 year old father alone when I went to the courthouse, so I had to hire a caregiver at $100 for the day.”

Frank added, “With all the police and insurance paperwork, body shop estimates, and running around, I had to take a vacation day time just to handle all the details.” ($250 cost)

Marge said, “We have had other things happen around here; things taken or broken. We began to think that we were singled-out in the neighborhood. We don’t feel safe.”

Frank and Marge went on to tell about all the work, stress, fear, and hassles they had to endure. Soon, the $7.00 lock turned into nearly a thousand dollars. I looked at the seventeen year old and he started to cry. “I had no idea,” Eric said.

Once we talked about the offense and all the hurt that Eric caused, I moved the mediation to a discussion about how to make things as right as possible. Eric was quick to apologize but he did not have the money to pay for all the damages.

This is the point in a mediation where typically restitution and grace start to come together. This is where an amazing expression of grace took place in this mediation.

Frank and Marge offered for Eric to work-off the damages. They asked Eric if he could come over to their house and do yard work, minor repairs, and wash their cars.

Amazing, the victims invited their offender into their private space and to be around their things. This situation started because Eric violated their private space and tried to steal their things!

Eric humbly accepted their offer. We then moved to the last part of the mediation. We talked about the future and how it would look for Eric, Eric’s father, Frank and Marge. Eric promised that this would never happen again and that he had learned his lesson.

Frank and Marge were pleased with Eric’s promises. But then Frank offered something that is rarely offered to an offender; another amazing expression of grace. “Eric, why don’t you and your folks come over to our place for a barbeque? Maybe if we knew each other, these things wouldn’t happen.”

Amazing.

The NPC Marital Mediation Agreement is designed to set a redemptive path.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When working with couples as a Marital Mediator, it has been my experience, to be very explicit upfront about the need to experience forgiveness and agreement to avert a marriage meltdown. Hence, I use the following document as a redemptive tool to frame the mediation dialogue and to set a hopeful path to reconciliation.

GENERAL DESCRIPTION

New Path Center (NPC) offers Marital Mediation to couples who want to stay married but have issues to be worked through, deeper understanding to be shared, forgiveness to be experienced, and agreements to be made and kept for a brighter marital future.

NPC encourages couples having trouble with issues of offenses and/or injustices, control, and power to use mediation to experience forgiveness and reach an agreement addressing these issues, thereby strengthening the marriage. Couples jointly hire an associate of NPC to act as a mediator, not as a lawyer or counselor for either party.

IS MEDIATION THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOU?

During a series of meetings, you and your spouse work with the mediator, and on your own time, to identify issues and work out a mutually satisfactory plan to address them. This work includes exchanging any and all information pertaining to these issues, and sharing of control, power and responsibility you consider best for the both of you. You are free to consult with a lawyer, financial planner or other advisor at any time. The process is designed to help you strengthen your marriage.

THE REQUIREMENT OF COMMITMENT

Marital mediation works only if you are willing to make a good faith effort to reach forgiveness and agreement with your marriage partner. There is no legal obligation to forgive or agree. Any constructive commitment to mediation, and to make the resulting outcome work, comes voluntarily from you and your spouse. Note: “yes” answers to the following questions determine if mediation is a reasonable resource for your marriage:

Do you want a healthy marriage?

Can we talk about anything & everything?

Will you own your part in the issues?

SOME BENEFITS OF MEDIATION

The processes of forgiveness, understanding, and agreement can change behavior in your relationship. Just identifying the issues you struggle with is itself healthy. Creating personal solutions will give your marriage a greater life expectancy. Learning communication and reconciliation skills will enhance all of your relationships. Your children will thrive in the absence of parental conflict.

THE COST OF MEDIATION

New Path Center does not maintain a set fee schedule for the service of Marital Mediation. These services are provided at the NPC office in Kingsburg, CA. The amounts are only suggestions for your consideration. Please see the attached NPC “Financial Policy, Fees, & Donations” document or visit:

http://www.newpathcenter.org/resources/NPCFinancialPolicy2009.pdf

THE MARITAL MEDIATION AGREEMENT:

We wish to define the terms of forgiveness, understanding, and agreement to help us stay married, as simply and sensibly as possible. We have read the description of Marital Mediation. Each of us agrees to participate fully in this effort to define our future behavior in order to improve our marriage.

We agree to hire ____________________________ as our marital mediator(s).

We realize our mediator shall not represent either or both of us as an attorney at any time in connection with our Marital Agreement. During the mediation we agree to disclose all aspects of our marital issues. Each of us is free to consult our personal advisors at any time.

We agree that all communications in mediation, including all notes, homework, draft contracts and other writings, are completely confidential. Neither of us can seek testimony of the mediator or disclosure of their file in connection with any court proceeding related to this mediation process.

We realize the mediator is in charge of the mediation process and will give each of us equal time as much as possible, whether our sessions are together or separate, and will not take sides other than to help guide us to a reasonable agreement designed to help us stay married. We realize we are not required to mediate any issue or to reach agreement on any issue. We voluntarily enter marital mediation.

(Signature lines and contact information)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Redeeming Apology: Growing Redemptive Community

Restoring the Church, Meta•noia Ministries.

Restoring the Church offers you a collection of resources to . . .

reconcile conflict,

equip leaders, and

grow biblical community in your church for the glory of Jesus Christ.

http://www.restoringthechurch.org/index.html

Excellent articles on apology, brokenness, courage, integrity, and justice:

How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it. The first in a series of four articles on authentic confession:

http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/documents/41HowsayImSorry.pdf

The courage to say, “I was wrong.” Part two of four on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it:

http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/documents/42CouragetosayImwrong.pdf

Integrity: considering others as the Other would. Part three of four on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it:

http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/43IntegrityConfession_000.pdf.pdf

To act justly. The final of four articles on How to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it:

http://www.restoringthechurch.org/resources/newsletter/archive/44JusticeConfession_000.pdf.pdf

Redeeming a Marriage & Family

Talk about doing the heavy-lifting of processing family burdens and heaving-around a ship engulfed in a relationship storm. I mediated a marriage and family agreement with a couple in crisis. After months of facilitating dialogue regarding hurts, issues, positions, and interests, they came to an excellent working agreement. They, not me, did the work of heavy-lifting but, of course, the real work is in keeping this agreement to keep their marriage and family on course and off the rocks of separation. Even so, the agreement and promises when made and kept give an opportunity for trust to grow.

Here is their agreement, used by permission, in their own words:

“In faith, we ask God to continue to help us as we recognize that our marriage and family have come a long way from what it was at one time. Once we did not handle our offenses and disagreements very well. We separated from each other rather than gathered together. We allowed power and selfishness to drive our responses to each other.”

“We recognize that in the past we wanted to be right – but today, we want to be reconciled with each other. We want to know and experience that everything is okay between us.”

“So, as our hearts turn to God, we say we are sorry for all the ways we have hurt each other. We are willing to make things as right as possible from this day on to assure each other that peace and happiness will thrive in our marriage and family.”

“Therefore, with God’s help, we make the following promises that give us all a brighter future and a meaningful start point for healing in our family. As a result of much time spent talking and understanding each other, we desire to make family a high priority for everyone by doing activities together as a couple and a family. We invite each other to enjoy life together. We want to make good memories and lasting values that will go on for generations and generations. We want family stories that will tell of our love, intimacy, connection, and respect for each other. We want people to know that we really know each other and that we experienced redemption – i.e. we recovered what was lost or that which we never even had.”

“We look to a future of no regrets and no fears of abandonment. We strive to be a safe home for everyone as we have a mutual connection to a faith-community where we can all grow and be transformed. We strive to connect to each other through reading God’s word, listening to God’s Spirit, and being with God’s people.”

“We also realize we need to take all of the above promises in steps and to give each other time to change and grow. We promise to extend grace to each other as we change. We want to be a grace-based couple and family. We agree to change our parenting styles to help our children become independent responsible adults. Therefore, we will strive to be loving, accepting, and gracious parents who will extend unconditional love and at the same time not to be afraid to speak truth-in-love.”

“We promise to do our part and have confidence that God will do His part. God specializes in doing the impossible and we trust Him for the miracles to keep our marriage and family on the right path – His path.”

VORP: A Story of Redemption

Eric had big career plans but his involvement in a crime undermined his chances of obtaining his goal and a brighter future. He was now faced with a criminal record. It seemed like a minor act of retaliation “because a friend asked.” But a few minutes of "drive-by-paintball" vandalism resulted in a felony with long-term consequences. Eric’s future was unclear and certainly bleak.

I am always moved by the stories I experience while doing mediation work with the community & faith-based Victim Offender Reconciliation Program (VORP). I have been a volunteer VORP mediator since 1992. Serving as a VORP mediator has been both worthwhile and inspirational. It is some of the most important work that I could do for my community as I see the redemptive message of Jesus Christ come to life.

While I have had the privilege of helping a number of juvenile offenders, Eric (not his real name) comes to mind most certainly as a person with a story of redemption due in part because of VORP. Eric’s story consists of many events that contributed to his transformation journey. However, I am pleased to share that a VORP mediation was one of those events that helped him on his journey of character development.

The Fresno County Probation Department referred Eric’s case to VORP. VORP assigned the case to me. I met with Eric to explain how VORP could help with his situation. I told him that if he wanted to cooperate with the VORP program, he would be given an opportunity to make things as right as possible with his victims.

While I could not guarantee that a judge would be any easier on him because of VORP, I did tell Eric that if he cooperated and worked on a constructive resolution to his offense, the VORP program might be beneficial for him at his court time. He would still have to pay his fines, do his community service, finish his classes, and do all the justice system required of him. I could not change any of that for him. I could only offer a program that might help him, his victims, and his community to heal from the offense.

Right from the start, Eric was a willing participant in the VORP mediation process. He arrived on time and constructively added to the success of the mediation as we met with his victims. He also quickly fulfilled his VORP agreement with his victims. In fact, Eric went above and beyond what was expected of him in making things as right as possible. He did practical jobs for the victims, expressed apology, regret, embarrassment, self-assessment, and remorse in addition to being the author of a generous restitution amount. He also paid the restitution in full and sooner than agreed.

The victims’ willingness to participate in this redemptive story is another wonderful feature of Eric’s journey. The victims gained not just payment for damages done, but they also gained an opportunity to become agents of change. Eric was impressed with their “big hearts” toward him, their kindness, and their openness to include him in their community once again. He said their words were healing, but what made the difference was their redeeming actions toward him. I can’t go into detail on their exact actions, but it was a huge step toward healing.

The day before his scheduled court appointment, Eric asked if I would write a letter to the judge outlining all that he had completed with the VORP program. I gladly wrote the letter. Eric said as he stood before the judge all he held in his hands was his VORP letter. He gave the letter to the bailiff, the bailiff gave the letter to the judge, the judge read the letter, and the judge looked down over his glasses at Eric. “Have you learned your lesson,” the judge asked. “Yes,” Eric replied. “Charges dismissed,” said the judge.

Dismissed? What did this mean? It meant that Eric would not have this felony on his record. In essence the judge had forgiven him and, thus, no longer held the offense against him. Eric’s future all of a sudden became clear and bright.

Today, Eric is not only enjoying a brighter future but he is also growing in his faith, attending both church and a young-adult Bible study, planning on going on a mission trip, and learning to choose better friends.

This is Eric’s redemptive story which continues to this day toward a brighter future.

Heaving Around

A wonderful print hangs in my office. The painting is titled "Heaving Around." Maritime artist, Marek Sarba, captures a difficult maneuver in a stormy seascape. The painting "depicts the Saint Andre being made fast to the towing bit of the steam tug ADLER, a maneuver that poses great danger to crewmen and vessels in heavy seas." The disabled freighter is literally being pulled by the tug so it can gain a more favorable position to weather the storm. Without this maneuver, the ship would be doomed.

As a mediator, I believe the painting is a metaphor for those constructive but critical moments during a mediation when one can see the interactions of the participants move in a redemptive way. Even in the worst emotional storms, I really believe when those heaving-around moments come, God is present. Time and time again, I have seen the heaving-around moment come in the form of a much needed and sincere apology.

Here's what a heaving-around moment sounds like, "I hurt you. I am so sorry. I want to make sure this never happens again. So, this is how I will promise to change . . ."

That's the kind of apology that will help any relationship to weather the storms of conflict.

More on the art of Apology

More on the painting Heaving Around

More on the artist Marek Sarba

Adversarial or Redemptive?

Once in a while, I am asked to mediate a case that is on a Fresno court calendar. The court will actually spin-off a case where they feel mediation is a better option compared to entering the adversarial court option. Normally, these cases come through the Dispute Settlement Center in Fresno.

I was asked to mediate between two families entrenched in conflict. They both had hired attorneys, filed suits/counter suits, and they were ready to go to court. I can’t tell you the details but it started over something very minor in my opinion. None-the-less, the minor became major to the point of their willingness to go to court over it and spend a lot of money on legal advice and representation.

The night of the mediation came, the families came including fathers, mothers and children, and the attorneys came. I asked the attorneys to sit in the back and they complied.

I started with a simple process. First, guidelines on how we are going to talk to each other. Second, asked everyone to be constructive and they agreed. Third, talked about what happened including each person sharing what he/she did to make this conflict escalate. Fourth, talked about what we needed to do to make things as right as possible. Fifth, talked about what we can promise that will help each other have a clearer picture of what the future relationship looks like. In theological terms, what we simply did was confession, atonement, and repentance.

By the end of the evening, the attorneys were utterly amazed at the progress, reconciliation, and forgiveness that took place in their midst. In fact, they suggested the court date be cancelled and . . . they waived their fees!

Could it be what God has modeled and taught us to do really works? Hmmmmm . . .

"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." - GK Chesterton