Franky, We Gotsa Four Ways To Do This.

Franky, me and yous hasa beef.  I wanna to work the west side and yousa wanna to work the west side.  How do we solve this beef? - cause right now, we are alls balled-up, capish? (Yeah, I knows that is Sicilian but I like a the way "capish" sounds.)  Anyways, we gotsa four ways to deal with our beef:

1.  Well, I am a powerful man but yous are a powerful man also.  Maybe yous gotsa more power than me?  Maybe I gotsa more power than yous?  Maybe we take yous for a ride and yous loose both your knee caps or worse you wear some cement shoes and go sleep with the fish.

2.  Or we could ask some palooka to make the decision for us?   But maybe, we don't like the decision and then we take the palooka for a ride and bump off the bird.

3.  We could also go to some joint that helps people with a beef.  Kinda like #2, except this palooka is there to help us have a "constructive dialogue" - whatever that is.  We'll havta find out.  He says he has no power but, I am told, he sure looks intimidating.  Anyways, this palooka gives us alls the power to make a decision, but we gotsa share the power.  He's no big cheese or bull.  He just helps us to not beat our gums and not get anything done.  I knows he's gonna ask us, "Why?"  Why do we each wanna work the west side?  He's also gonna ask us to be nice to each other - like we just went to charm-school or something.  He's saying we may even get 100% of what we each want.  Yeah, I know whata dreamer!  He sounds all wet and filled with baloney.  I even heard his name rhymes with baloney.

4.  Hey Franky, maybe he's aright.  But we don't needa this palooka.  I'll tell you why I wanna work the west side and I can be nice.  Alls I'm saying is the west side is very important to me and yous are important to me - yousa like a brother to me. Why don't we meet at some juice-joint and hava a "constructive dialogue."  Together, we can level with each other and, maybe, we walk away with both knee caps, what we want, and we still be friends, capish?  Huh, I kinda sounda like a one of those hard-boiled peacemakers.  I hope that is copacetic with yous.

(Photo by Jason "Red Beard" Wedehase)

The NPC Marital Mediation Agreement is designed to set a redemptive path.

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When working with couples as a Marital Mediator, it has been my experience, to be very explicit upfront about the need to experience forgiveness and agreement to avert a marriage meltdown. Hence, I use the following document as a redemptive tool to frame the mediation dialogue and to set a hopeful path to reconciliation.

GENERAL DESCRIPTION

New Path Center (NPC) offers Marital Mediation to couples who want to stay married but have issues to be worked through, deeper understanding to be shared, forgiveness to be experienced, and agreements to be made and kept for a brighter marital future.

NPC encourages couples having trouble with issues of offenses and/or injustices, control, and power to use mediation to experience forgiveness and reach an agreement addressing these issues, thereby strengthening the marriage. Couples jointly hire an associate of NPC to act as a mediator, not as a lawyer or counselor for either party.

IS MEDIATION THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOU?

During a series of meetings, you and your spouse work with the mediator, and on your own time, to identify issues and work out a mutually satisfactory plan to address them. This work includes exchanging any and all information pertaining to these issues, and sharing of control, power and responsibility you consider best for the both of you. You are free to consult with a lawyer, financial planner or other advisor at any time. The process is designed to help you strengthen your marriage.

THE REQUIREMENT OF COMMITMENT

Marital mediation works only if you are willing to make a good faith effort to reach forgiveness and agreement with your marriage partner. There is no legal obligation to forgive or agree. Any constructive commitment to mediation, and to make the resulting outcome work, comes voluntarily from you and your spouse. Note: “yes” answers to the following questions determine if mediation is a reasonable resource for your marriage:

Do you want a healthy marriage?

Can we talk about anything & everything?

Will you own your part in the issues?

SOME BENEFITS OF MEDIATION

The processes of forgiveness, understanding, and agreement can change behavior in your relationship. Just identifying the issues you struggle with is itself healthy. Creating personal solutions will give your marriage a greater life expectancy. Learning communication and reconciliation skills will enhance all of your relationships. Your children will thrive in the absence of parental conflict.

THE COST OF MEDIATION

New Path Center does not maintain a set fee schedule for the service of Marital Mediation. These services are provided at the NPC office in Kingsburg, CA. The amounts are only suggestions for your consideration. Please see the attached NPC “Financial Policy, Fees, & Donations” document or visit:

http://www.newpathcenter.org/resources/NPCFinancialPolicy2009.pdf

THE MARITAL MEDIATION AGREEMENT:

We wish to define the terms of forgiveness, understanding, and agreement to help us stay married, as simply and sensibly as possible. We have read the description of Marital Mediation. Each of us agrees to participate fully in this effort to define our future behavior in order to improve our marriage.

We agree to hire ____________________________ as our marital mediator(s).

We realize our mediator shall not represent either or both of us as an attorney at any time in connection with our Marital Agreement. During the mediation we agree to disclose all aspects of our marital issues. Each of us is free to consult our personal advisors at any time.

We agree that all communications in mediation, including all notes, homework, draft contracts and other writings, are completely confidential. Neither of us can seek testimony of the mediator or disclosure of their file in connection with any court proceeding related to this mediation process.

We realize the mediator is in charge of the mediation process and will give each of us equal time as much as possible, whether our sessions are together or separate, and will not take sides other than to help guide us to a reasonable agreement designed to help us stay married. We realize we are not required to mediate any issue or to reach agreement on any issue. We voluntarily enter marital mediation.

(Signature lines and contact information)

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Redeeming a Marriage & Family

Talk about doing the heavy-lifting of processing family burdens and heaving-around a ship engulfed in a relationship storm. I mediated a marriage and family agreement with a couple in crisis. After months of facilitating dialogue regarding hurts, issues, positions, and interests, they came to an excellent working agreement. They, not me, did the work of heavy-lifting but, of course, the real work is in keeping this agreement to keep their marriage and family on course and off the rocks of separation. Even so, the agreement and promises when made and kept give an opportunity for trust to grow.

Here is their agreement, used by permission, in their own words:

“In faith, we ask God to continue to help us as we recognize that our marriage and family have come a long way from what it was at one time. Once we did not handle our offenses and disagreements very well. We separated from each other rather than gathered together. We allowed power and selfishness to drive our responses to each other.”

“We recognize that in the past we wanted to be right – but today, we want to be reconciled with each other. We want to know and experience that everything is okay between us.”

“So, as our hearts turn to God, we say we are sorry for all the ways we have hurt each other. We are willing to make things as right as possible from this day on to assure each other that peace and happiness will thrive in our marriage and family.”

“Therefore, with God’s help, we make the following promises that give us all a brighter future and a meaningful start point for healing in our family. As a result of much time spent talking and understanding each other, we desire to make family a high priority for everyone by doing activities together as a couple and a family. We invite each other to enjoy life together. We want to make good memories and lasting values that will go on for generations and generations. We want family stories that will tell of our love, intimacy, connection, and respect for each other. We want people to know that we really know each other and that we experienced redemption – i.e. we recovered what was lost or that which we never even had.”

“We look to a future of no regrets and no fears of abandonment. We strive to be a safe home for everyone as we have a mutual connection to a faith-community where we can all grow and be transformed. We strive to connect to each other through reading God’s word, listening to God’s Spirit, and being with God’s people.”

“We also realize we need to take all of the above promises in steps and to give each other time to change and grow. We promise to extend grace to each other as we change. We want to be a grace-based couple and family. We agree to change our parenting styles to help our children become independent responsible adults. Therefore, we will strive to be loving, accepting, and gracious parents who will extend unconditional love and at the same time not to be afraid to speak truth-in-love.”

“We promise to do our part and have confidence that God will do His part. God specializes in doing the impossible and we trust Him for the miracles to keep our marriage and family on the right path – His path.”