The Redemptive Power of Invitation

Nothing is reconciled until someone invites.

I am confused over two positions I often hear among believers.

People tell me they want to restore broken relationships, but then they add, “Not now.”

Excuses range from: I am not ready, they are not ready, it is not the right time, coming together will only make things worse, conflict will take care of itself, or time heals all wounds.

Here’s another excuse.

I received an email from a pastor who experienced conflict with a few church elders.

The elders eventually left the church.

The pastor invited them to come together to discuss the conflict.

The elders stated they had “prayerfully considered the suggestion for further discussion and collectively agreed that the cause and testimony of the Lord Jesus Christ in the community would be impacted in a negative manner by any more discussion.”

Instead, the ex-elders started another church.

Actually, reconciliation would have had the bigger impact in the community.

Frankly, there is a huge disconnect in what we say we believe and what we do.

This is particularly true in our approach to resolving conflict.

We know what the Scriptures teach: “go” to the other party whether we are the offender or the offended (Matthew 5:23, 24; 18:15-20); reconciliation of relationships is a prerequisite to worship (Matthew 5:23, 24); deal with today’s anger today (Ephesians 4:26); live in peace (Ephesians 4:3); and seek agreement (I Corinthians. 1:10).

We know Jesus is especially with us during the process of reconciling relationships (Matthew 18:20).

We even know that peacemakers in God’s Kingdom are blessed and identified with the Most High God of Peace (Matthew 5:9).

There is no logic to this disconnect between what we know to be true and how we actually live.

Dr. Jerry Sheveland, President of the Baptist General Conference, makes an important point regarding the best time to resolve conflict.

He simply asks, “Why wait for a harder moment than this one to begin a process of honesty and grace . . ?”

Now is the time for reconciliation.

Don’t wait for a more difficult opportunity.

There is no hope of reconciliation until someone invites the other party into a process of restoring the relationship.

Someone has to do the work of invitation.

Why not now?

Stop Lying to Yourself and Start Reconciling with Others.

Ten Guardian-Lies 

or "Why I do not have to reconcile"

Disclaimer:  There are interpersonal conflicts that are sometimes intractable based on criminal felony offenses, years of abuse, deep emotional wounds, and the like.  I am not writing about those types of complicated conflicts.  I am writing about the normal routine conflicts that people bring into New Path Center every week.

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As a result of serving as a mediator over the last 20 years, I've noticed a pattern.  Sometimes, when I invite conflicted clients to enter a reconciliation process, the clients, along with several other clients, give amazingly similar irrational responses.  I hear the following responses over and over again.  Hence, I have learned to recognize these repeating phrases as "guardian-lies."

A guardian-lie is any belief that hinders a person from moving forward.  People are stuck NOT because of any outside force beyond his or her control.  People are stuck due to their own belief and choice.

(1)

Here are some of the most common guardian-lies that I hear.  These lies keep people from moving forward to reconciliation.

I choose to remain stuck in conflict because:

1. I know the other party will not want to reconcile.
2. Even if the other party says they want to reconcile, they are not showing enough sincerity, remorse, humility, forgiveness, (and so on).
3. Reconciling will only be a waste of time.
4. We have tried to reconcile in the past but it has never worked, and it won't work this time.
5. Any more contact with the other party will only make it worse.
6. There is nothing we could possibly do to make it better
7. The other party knows what they did wrong, they need to come to me.
8. If I have wronged someone, they have the responsibility to come to me.
9. I'm just going to avoid being around the other person.
10. The other party is "crazy!"

1. Dr. Ed Smith, Theophostice Prayer Ministry, adapted by Tony Redfern

Don't Write Off The Lousy Guys

Sixth Grade Class, 1961, Samuel Gompers Elementary School

A few weeks ago our family enjoyed the end of another Little League Baseball season. What fun to cheer for our younger grandson, Jack, and to watch his team spirit at each game. It was easy to tell Jack knew he belonged on the team.  

As I watched my grandson's games, my thoughts went back to my sixth grade class at Samuel Gompers Elementary School in Lakewood, California

(see photo above)

. Yep, that's me at the top of the class! No ... really! Top row in the center . . . with the glasses; the shortest guy in the class.

(Well, that label might be a toss-up with Petey Carter.)

 I really did not figure out I was short until I was well into the sixth grade.  I knew some guys were tall but I did not think of myself as short ... go figure.  

I also remember playing baseball in sixth grade; specifically being at bat. It was sometimes bitter-sweet when it was my turn to bat. Bitter because, all of a sudden, as I stepped up to the plate, I could hear the shouts from the other team, "Move in, move in!"  The outfielders became infielders; additional short-stops and basemen to field my hit.  Even so, I always thought it was sweet when I did hit the ball over their heads and send them running after it. I guess I played bigger than I looked!

One time, I was picked to be the captain of one of our class baseball teams. I quickly worked on my selection plan in my mind, and I was ready to pick my team players.  I started off my team by picking Nicky Perko as pitcher.

(Nicky is the second to my left in the class picture.  Hmmm ...Nicky Perko ... even sounds like a pro-baseball player, doesn't it?)  

The other captain picked his first player. When it was my turn to pick again, Nicky suggested that I choose a

lousy

guy. I was really confused about Nicky's strategy. I decided to go against my own plan and go with Nicky's plan. I picked Lousy Guy #1. Then Nicky whispered to choose Lousy Guy #2. Honestly, I already had enough of his plan. 

I turned to him and said,

"Nicky, we are going to lose every game with all these lousy players."

Despite my protests, he was sure of his plan to pick all the lousy players in the class.

"Tony, get all the lousy players and we will win,"

Nicky assured me. Pretty soon, sure enough, we had all the

lousy

players and all the

good

players ended up on the other team. All I could see was doom and gloom. But Nicky told me not to worry because we were

"going to be a team."  

I learned that day that good players often are not a

team

but merely an assembly of individual players made up of all the

glory-players

who try to out play their own teammates.  Their pride divides the team and destroys the team spirit as they argue between themselves. And that is exactly what happened that day Nicky and I picked the lousy players. Our team beat the glory-team!

Counter-intuitive? You bet. It truly is upside-down. The moral: Don’t write off the lousy players.  They may organize and turn upside-down your low expectations of them!  Lousy guys tend to believe in each other and cheer for each other.  They possess the power of belonging. They just may hit the ball over your heads!  The lousy guys may win after all!

Thanks for the life-lesson, Nick!

Nick Perko and I, Eugene, OR, April 2013

PS:  Talk about an upside-down team!  Nick and I consider it an honor to belong to this team also:

For consider your calling, brothers; not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, no many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. and because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord." 

1 Corinthians 1:26-31

Mean Girls and Forgiveness

Some time ago, New Path Center was assigned a juvenile offender case that involved two girls, Marie and Julia.  The case was a referral from the Kingsburg Police Department. The girls had a history of not getting long including verbal attacks, name calling, and escalation with physical violence.    

Other girls knew that the two girls hated each other.  These girls even encouraged Marie and Julia to fight by starting gossip about them in the hope for seeing more drama.  The "spectators" would actually tell Marie what Julia said about her; and, of course, they would tell Julia what Marie said about her.  Then they would watch the sparks fly!

I held individual meetings with both Marie and Julia. Each girl had a parent present in that meeting.  The individual meetings went well as each girl volunteered to participate in a modified 

KCJC

 as one of

four ways

 to address their on-going conflict. 

One of the reasons for the modification was that neither girl wanted their parents involved in the process of reconciliation.  In fact, they really 

didn't

 want me involved.  They felt they could resolve their conflict on their own.  (Hooray for Option 4!)  I told them I would not be making any decisions for them.  They would make the decisions that would shape their future relationship.  I’d be there to help them have a constructive conversation.  They agreed to meet together in the 

NPC

 office with me as their facilitator, i.e. someone to help make the process easier. 

Frankly, I was concerned about the meeting going badly without parents or community members being present.  I felt the meeting could easily turn into a violent Jerry Springer show.  I even considered having a police officer join the meeting or at least request an officer to be on stand-by.

Even so, I decided not to “big deal” it and stayed with the modified KCJC and proceeded to meet with just the two girls.  We started with some ground rules, then talked about what happened, how to make things as right as possible, and lastly, they made some promises about the future.

This was one of the easiest conflicts I have ever facilitated.  The girls stepped up to the higher task of reconciliation.  They did not personally attack each other but shared out of their own brokenness and owned their part in their conflicted past.  At one point their dialogue become so personal, I offered to step out of the meeting to give them some privacy.  They agreed and I left them alone.  I rarely do this out of concern that things can quickly take a turn for the worse.  But the girls did very well.

At the end of the meeting, I asked the girls if they thought they had just experienced

forgiveness

.  They both said yes.  I asked them if they could give me a definition of forgiveness.  They both agreed that forgiveness was when they no longer held the wrongs of the past against each other.  (They got it!)

Before Marie and Julia left my office, I asked them if they wanted to meet again in a few weeks to follow-up and hopefully celebrate their new and improved relationship.  Surprisingly, they agreed to meet with me.  In fact, we agreed to meet at 

Baby Cakes & Ice Cream

 in Kingsburg.  However, when I called to follow-up, they did not return my call or, if they did take my call, they would tell me how busy they were and could not meet.  Finally, I turned back the case to the police department with a note that said, "After several attempts to make contact with the offenders and having left several messages, I am waiving the follow-up meeting.  (Perhaps, the thought of meeting with an old guy over ice cream was not appealing to two young girls.)"  Hence, I considered the case closed but not really sure if things worked out between the two.  

Several weeks went by, and one day Marie and Julia dropped by my office.  They were together, happy, giggling, and just enjoying each other's company.  They said, "We have come for our ice-cream celebration!"  I dropped everything and we walked to Baby Cakes.  The flavor of two scoops of forgiveness tasted sooooo good.

Franky, We Gotsa Four Ways To Do This.

Franky, me and yous hasa beef.  I wanna to work the west side and yousa wanna to work the west side.  How do we solve this beef? - cause right now, we are alls balled-up, capish? (Yeah, I knows that is Sicilian but I like a the way "capish" sounds.)  Anyways, we gotsa four ways to deal with our beef:

1.  Well, I am a powerful man but yous are a powerful man also.  Maybe yous gotsa more power than me?  Maybe I gotsa more power than yous?  Maybe we take yous for a ride and yous loose both your knee caps or worse you wear some cement shoes and go sleep with the fish.

2.  Or we could ask some palooka to make the decision for us?   But maybe, we don't like the decision and then we take the palooka for a ride and bump off the bird.

3.  We could also go to some joint that helps people with a beef.  Kinda like #2, except this palooka is there to help us have a "constructive dialogue" - whatever that is.  We'll havta find out.  He says he has no power but, I am told, he sure looks intimidating.  Anyways, this palooka gives us alls the power to make a decision, but we gotsa share the power.  He's no big cheese or bull.  He just helps us to not beat our gums and not get anything done.  I knows he's gonna ask us, "Why?"  Why do we each wanna work the west side?  He's also gonna ask us to be nice to each other - like we just went to charm-school or something.  He's saying we may even get 100% of what we each want.  Yeah, I know whata dreamer!  He sounds all wet and filled with baloney.  I even heard his name rhymes with baloney.

4.  Hey Franky, maybe he's aright.  But we don't needa this palooka.  I'll tell you why I wanna work the west side and I can be nice.  Alls I'm saying is the west side is very important to me and yous are important to me - yousa like a brother to me. Why don't we meet at some juice-joint and hava a "constructive dialogue."  Together, we can level with each other and, maybe, we walk away with both knee caps, what we want, and we still be friends, capish?  Huh, I kinda sounda like a one of those hard-boiled peacemakers.  I hope that is copacetic with yous.

(Photo by Jason "Red Beard" Wedehase)

War and Peace (Defining reality)

Defining reality is the first step of redemptive transformation.  Therefore, I am also convinced, along with my national conference of churches, " . . . that war destroys all Christian values ..."

-----------------------------------------

War and Peace - Resolution Adopted 1968 by Converge Worldwide (BGC)

We are convinced that war destroys all Christian values, including the destruction of human lives, rights and properties; that the possibility of plunging the human race into unimaginable holocaust of death and destruction through nuclear warfare is ever upon us; that we share in the weakness and sinfulness of the human race, that we express our Christian love toward all mankind, since we believe that God is love and that every person is precious His sight; that ultimate peace comes only through the coming of the Prince of Peace; that any temporal hope for the solution of the problems of human society is through the Gospel of Jesus Christ which offers reconciliation and peace with God and our fellow men.

Therefore we recommend that the members of our Baptist General Conference churches-

1. Confess their sins, asking God’s forgiveness for all past failures that have contributed to misunderstanding and conflict.

2. Increase their support of world missions through which the Gospel of redemption and salvation is proclaimed to all nations.

3. Pray without ceasing for peace and good will throughout the world; for leaders and organizations which seek to bring about cooperative understanding and the alleviation of international discord, racial injustice and world hunger.

4. Support any practical program which attempts to reduce armaments thereby lessening the tensions that lead to war.

Recognize that we are a part of a world-wide fellowship of believers in Christ, that we have spiritual resources that transcend national boundaries and political differences and that link us to the power and Spirit of Almighty God and His Christ.

Source:  

http://www.convergeworldwide.org/files/ww/resource/document/2012-07-19-resolutions.pdf

The Greater Love and The Greatest Love

The greater love is to give one's life for a friend. However, the greatest love has to be when one gives their life for their enemy for the purpose of reconciliation. We honor the first notion especially if the friend is at least a good person. But we rarely, if ever, celebrate someone laying down their life for their enemy, i.e. those who have committed offenses, wrongs, or even violence against us. Unthinkable!

What American would lay down their life for Osama bin Laden? Really? Consider the following mandates directed to Christ followers:

• "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."

• “But I say to you who hear, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you . . ."

• "For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

To die in the place of someone who deserves to die, takes the power of love.To die in the place of someone who deserves to die, even deserves to be killed, and who has treated you with hate and violence, takes the power of an amazing love.

Yes, Jesus died for even Osama, an enemy who we are also told to love.Remarkably, we are even mandated to practice a treasonous love as we do good to those who hate us.

The Easter story is about a treasonous love that offers reconciliation and redemption even to the worst of the worst . . . but then Jesus came to turn the world upside down.

Provoked Self-Defense? Frank vs. Eric in contrast to US vs. Iran.

I am not an attorney. I do not give legal advice. I am not giving legal advice now to anyone on any topic. But I recently served on a jury regarding a trial involving assault with a firearm which resulted in great bodily injury.

"Frank" and "Eric" had a history of not getting along. One day, the two men had yet another argument. Eric was clearly the aggressor using verbal attacks, threats, and physical

gestures

of aggressive behavior. Frank kept trying to retreat. But Eric was relentless in his pursuit of Frank as Frank tried to return to his home. In fact, some of Eric's family had to restrain him from following Frank. Eric was a thug and bully, no question. However, the scene changed as Frank returned from his home to confront Eric. Frank began to provoke,

taunt, belittle, and display a "bring it attitude" toward Eric. Eric was enraged and broke the restraints of his family. Eric rushed Frank with the intent to "kick his ass." When Eric was within five feet of Frank, Frank pulled out a handgun and shot Eric. Eric's injury was not fatal.

During the trial the defense attorney worked from a self-defense argument. However, Frank was found guilty because, under California law, a

defendant cannot plea self-defense when he provoked the attack.

Now, consider the proposed sanctions to be imposed upon Iran by the US. Of course, the question becomes who is Frank and who is Eric?

See:

Rand Paul Shuts Down Iran Sanctions Bill With One Sentence.

2011 Year in Review

This past year has been an exciting year for New Path Center (NPC), with an increase in both scope and vision. We are pleased to share with you some facts and figures that show the work and ministry of NPC, thanks to the continued financial support received during 2011. Please click on the following link to read our "Year in Review" and learn about NPC's goals for 2012:

2011 Year in Review

.

Kingsburg Community Justice Conference

The Kingsburg Community Justice Conference (KCJC) is a community-based program of the Kingsburg Police Department and

New Path Center

in Kingsburg, California. This program provides an alternative process to address the needs of juvenile offenders and their victims which may not be met by the traditional justice system as we seek to build a healthy community.

At each KCJC, people from the community come together: juvenile offenders, victims, family members, faith leaders, law enforcement, city officials, local business owners and other concerned citizens. Our goal is to dialogue about difficult issues in an atmosphere of respect and concern for everyone involved: how the community was affected, how to repair the harm, and how to create a better future for all those involved.

In essence, KCJC implements a very old idea – we gather as a community to solve problems, and support and connect with one another. We acknowledge that we all need help at times, and in helping others we help ourselves at the same time.

The following is a brief overview of some essentials of the KCJC process:

• Participation is voluntary

• Respect and equality offered to all

• Recognition of shared values

• Willingness to speak truthfully

• Commitment to confidentiality

• Opportunity for everyone to be heard

• Willingness to honor all stories

• Decisions based on consensus

• Dialogue guided by a trained facilitator

In summary, KCJC works to reduce youth violence and increase the connectivity of the community. The Model Programs Guide of the

OJJDP

states:

Teaching conflict resolution and problem solving skills has been shown to be effective in reducing overall aggression and violent behavior.

KCJC literally puts this guideline into practice in a real-world classroom approach as we seek to build a healthy community for all of our citizens.

What’s in a Word?

"If you talk to a man in a language he understands,

that goes to his head.

If you talk to him in his language,

that goes to his heart."

- Nelson Mandela

(Warning: Coarse language included. Sorry, but I run with a rough crowd.)

I am learning something. Words do not always communicate. I feel I am constantly learning a new language (even foul if need be) as I try to communicate with people.

I have noticed several of the juvenile offenders, who are referred to New Path Center through Fresno County Probation, Kingsburg Police, or the Victim Offender Reconciliation Program, do not understand the meaning of the word “conflict.” So, when I use the terms “Conflict Management,” “Conflict Style,” or ask them to describe a “conflict” they have experienced, they do not have a clue what I am talking about.

I am listening and, hopefully, learning.

Definitions of "con·flict" from those I serve:

Punking:

Manipulation, deceit.

Issue:

A serious disagreement or argument, typically a protracted one

Combat:

A prolonged armed struggle

Argument:

An incompatibility between two or more opinions, principles, or interests

Beef:

A condition in which a person experiences a clash of opposing wishes or needs

F***ed Up:

Be incompatible or at variance

Drama:

Having or showing confused and mutually inconsistent feelings

Gang War:

A clash or disagreement, often violent, between two opposing groups or individuals; An incompatibility, as of two things that cannot be simultaneously fulfilled; To be at odds (with); to disagree or be incompatible; To overlap (with), as in a turf-war

Smack, dogging, talking s**t:

Striking, or dashing together; fighting; contending; struggling to resist and overcome; Being in opposition; contrary; contradictory

Bitch:

Limitations, complexities, or complications that result in a disagreement between the parties involved as to how the remediation is to be performed

Problem:

Someone wants something and people and things keep getting in the way of them achieving the goal

Harassment:

A situation in which opposing viewpoints have come into physical confrontation. Conflicts are more intractable than simple disputes because of the existence of institutionalized, fundamental disagreement with limited malleability of participants or the situation

Jacked-up:

the clash of actions, emotions, objectives, or philosophies that inhibit or divert the agonists, either protagonist or antagonist; including innerpersonal, intrapersonal, interpersonal, extrapersonal, antisocial, cross-cultural, extrasocial, and mystical

Coarse as some of these words are, my goal is to speak to hearts; to experience communication where the words don't get in the way.

Maybe if we knew each other . . .

Sometime ago, a young teen, I will call Eric, broke into an old truck parked beside the truck owner’s home. Eric pried the lock of the passenger door and managed to open it. His intent was to steal the stereo. However, someone saw him and called the city police. As the police came into Eric’s sight, he tried to run from them. But the police caught him.

Eric was placed on probation and the case was turned over to me to serve as a VORP mediator. I facilitated a victim-offender mediation between Eric, his father and the owners of the truck, an older couple.

I’ll call the couple, Frank and Marge. Marge’s elderly father also lived in the home. Frank worked full-time and Marge was self-employed on a part-time basis.

The mediation went well until Eric tried to minimize the damages to the truck. “It was only a seven dollar lock,” he said. Taking that moment, I decided to account for all the damages. I questioned Frank and Marge about how Eric’s offense affected them in terms of hard dollars (out-of-pocket expenses and losses) and soft dollars (other non-direct costs and losses):

“It may have been a $7.00 lock but there was body damage also. We had to take the truck to a body shop and it cost us $250 to have the lock replaced and the body damage repaired,” Marge explained.

Marge also said, “When I had to go to the courthouse to file paperwork, I had to cancel all my appointments. I lost a $100 of income.”

Marge continued, “Plus, I could not leave my 95 year old father alone when I went to the courthouse, so I had to hire a caregiver at $100 for the day.”

Frank added, “With all the police and insurance paperwork, body shop estimates, and running around, I had to take a vacation day time just to handle all the details.” ($250 cost)

Marge said, “We have had other things happen around here; things taken or broken. We began to think that we were singled-out in the neighborhood. We don’t feel safe.”

Frank and Marge went on to tell about all the work, stress, fear, and hassles they had to endure. Soon, the $7.00 lock turned into nearly a thousand dollars. I looked at the seventeen year old and he started to cry. “I had no idea,” Eric said.

Once we talked about the offense and all the hurt that Eric caused, I moved the mediation to a discussion about how to make things as right as possible. Eric was quick to apologize but he did not have the money to pay for all the damages.

This is the point in a mediation where typically restitution and grace start to come together. This is where an amazing expression of grace took place in this mediation.

Frank and Marge offered for Eric to work-off the damages. They asked Eric if he could come over to their house and do yard work, minor repairs, and wash their cars.

Amazing, the victims invited their offender into their private space and to be around their things. This situation started because Eric violated their private space and tried to steal their things!

Eric humbly accepted their offer. We then moved to the last part of the mediation. We talked about the future and how it would look for Eric, Eric’s father, Frank and Marge. Eric promised that this would never happen again and that he had learned his lesson.

Frank and Marge were pleased with Eric’s promises. But then Frank offered something that is rarely offered to an offender; another amazing expression of grace. “Eric, why don’t you and your folks come over to our place for a barbeque? Maybe if we knew each other, these things wouldn’t happen.”

Amazing.

Got Conflict? Got Salt? Got Peace?

"Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness,

how can you make it salty again?

Have salt in yourselves,

and be at peace with each other."

- Jesus

It is interesting that salt and peace are linked in this teaching. Salt is a mineral that is useful as it not only preserves food but it also enhances the flavor of food. Looking at the salt metaphor and relating it to constructive relationships, Dr. Tim Geddert writes, “This saying is a call to be genuine, the real thing, the kind of disciple that preserves and enhances the community.”

The twelfth chapter of Paul’s letter to the Roman followers of Jesus is one of those classic passages of scripture that speaks into our everyday relational lives. The teachings that strike me the most in this passage are Paul’s reflections of life in a redemptive faith community. While he writes about how to live with each other and the connectedness of community, he also places a responsibility on each and every member of the community when he writes, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” We may see in this verse a loop-hole and declare,

“It is not possible! Peace is not possible because the other person is evil, won’t cooperate, and only wants to argue and win. They are out to control me and to destroy me!”

But notice the possibility of peace does not hinge on the other person; it depends on you and me and our willingness to be at peace with one another.

So, what needs to happen when the other parties just won’t cooperate? Are there resources available? How do you know you are doing everything possible to live at peace with this other person?

Besides my work as a mediator addressing interpersonal conflict and facilitating reconciliation for two or more people, I am increasingly called on to work with just one person and to help them constructively deal with the conflict they are experiencing. This is called Conflict Coaching (CC). CC is a process in which the individual and I communicate one-on-one for the purpose of

• developing the individual’s understanding of the conflict;
• determining what they can constructively do about it;
• and empowering them with effective relational skills.

CC is available when the other parties won’t engage in a mediation or reject a personal invitation to come together to talk through hurts and/or disagreements.

CC is available for those who want to be the kind of "salty" person that preserves and enhances the possibility of peace, i.e. “salt” for a positive change in a broken relationship.

We got issues!

.

What exactly are we fighting about? Our ability to clearly state what the issues are will help us to determine a redemptive outcome. Broadcasting a generalized judgment or labeling can bring more confusion, tension, and escalation to the conflict.

If we can determine the kind(s) of conflict we have entered, we will have a better chance to realistically resolve the conflict.

Dr. Ron Claassen brings the following insights to help us define our conflicts.

Ron writes, "As we move down the list, it will likely be more difficult to resolve the conflict constructively. It is not impossible, but will require more planning and perhaps outside help."

Space

Schedule

Methods

Procedures

Personal Preferences

Traditions

Customs

Values

Beliefs

What are we fighting about? Determining the level of conflict on the above continuum will help us to determine a strategy to find resolution.

.

When we talk, are we using a hammer or a saw?

.

Debate

v.

Dialogue

is like a sledge hammer v. a logging saw.

In a debate, one person uses debate like a sledge hammer against the other person. Then the other person reacts and does the same thing.

In a dialogue, they use dialogue like a two-person logging saw that takes cooperation to work.

Here's a quick contrast between

Debate

and

Dialogue

:

The goal is to "win" the argument by affirming one's own views and discrediting other views.

v.

The goal is to understand different perspectives and learn about other views.

People listen to others to find flaws in their auguments.

v.

People listen to others to understand how their experiences shape their beliefs.

People critique the experiences of others as distorted and invalid.

v.

People accept the experiences of others as real and valid.

People appear to be determined not to change their own views on the issue.

v.

People appear to be somewhat open to expanding their understanding of the issue.

People speak based on assumptions made about others' positions and motivations.

v.

People speak primarily from their own understanding and experience.

People oppose each other and attempt to prove each other wrong.

v.

People work together toward common understanding.

Strong emotions like anger are often used to intimidate the other side.

v.

Strong emotions like anger and sadness are appropriate when they convey the intensity of an experience or belief.

Excerpt taken from The Little Book of Dialogue for Difficult Subjects, A Practical, Hands-On Guide, by Lisa Schirch & David Campt., Page 9.

New Path Center’s Guide to Giving & 2009 Annual Report

Is your contribution to New Path Center tax-deductible?

New Path Center has been recognized exempt by the IRS

under section 501(c) (3) of the Internal Revenue Code since December 2004.

Donors’ contributions are tax deductible as provided in section 170 of the IRS Code. A copy of New Path Center’s IRS Letter of Determination is available upon request.

New Path Center is required to file annually an IRS 990 Form.

New Path Center’s current IRS 990 can be found at

http://www.guidestar.org/

or upon request.

Two ways to donate:

1. Make your check payable to New Path Center, Inc., and mail it to:

New Path Center, Inc.

PO Box 874

Kingsburg, California 93631-0874

2. Donate online at

http://www.newpathcenter.org/

Do you resonate with the New Path Center’s mission and values?

New Path Center’s mission is to be:

A safe place where individuals and communities discover reasonable, respectful, restorative, and redemptive pathways through conflict.

A place of hope for those who experience loss or other painful life transitions.

A training center for leaders and organizations to acquire a healthy readiness for conflict or the skills to companion the bereaved.

New Path Center envisions:

Communities where the citizens become responsible for positive transformation.

Communities where constructive communication thrives.

Communities that produce leaders with impeccable character.

Communities where all leaders address conflict and brokenness in reasonable, respectful, restorative, and redemptive ways.

Communities where the greater Faith Community works together.

Why does New Path Center exist?

As a community pastoral-counseling resource . . .

New Path Center brings the hope of experiencing peace with loss to those who are deeply bereaved.

As a training center . . .

New Path Center equips individuals, leaders, and organizations

to have a healthy readiness for and response to conflict.

As a mediation center . . .

New Path Center provides options for alternative dispute resolution (ADR) for those who experience some form of conflict. Mediation areas of practice include:

Marital Mediation: Couples who want to stay married but have issues to be worked through, deeper understanding to be shared, forgiveness to be experienced, and agreements to be made and kept for a brighter marital future.

Separated and divorced parents: Individuals and couples who need pre/post-adjudication mediation regarding custody decisions to best meet the needs of their children.

Extended families: Members who have suffered from years of estrangement and separation, and now hope to restore the family ties.

Churches: As cornerstones of our community, churches need to respond to conflict in ways that bring hope, love, and peace to reality, to meet the needs of their members.

Family businesses and farms: The economic forces behind our community, who need to bridge relational gaps caused by conflict, to increase their potential to thrive from generation to generation.

Victims of crime and juvenile offenders: Individuals directed by the courts to reconcile offenses and make restitution, including VORP Mediation and Anger management classes for youth at risk.

Where does New Path Center work?

New Path Center works locally, nationally, and internationally.

Serves as a local mediation, training and counseling center for the greater Kingsburg area for Fresno, Kings and Tulare Counties, in central California.

Travels to other areas within California, and the U.S. to provide mediation, training, and interventions for non-profit organizations.

Provides training in third-world countries on conflict resolution, leadership development, and grief counseling.

To whom is New Path Center responsible?

New Path Center’s Board of Directors is made up of professionals from the Kingsburg community. The list of Directors is available upon request.

How does New Path Center measure its progress and success?

76 Cases in 2009: (63 new / 13 continued)

How is New Path Center funded?

Accomplishments and Initiatives:

Kingsburg Police Department Referral Program

Kingsburg School Referral Program

Discipline That Restores Training Program

Mediation for CalGRIP youth at risk

Anger Management Classes

Kingsburg Care & Service Network

Donation-based services

Professional Mediator Certification

Special Designated Funds:

Scott W. Redfern Memorial Fund: $8,750 (ongoing)

Kiln for Koln Scott W. Redfern 30th Birthday Memorial Project: $2,016 (completed)

Goals and challenges for 2010:

Fund future training overseas

Increase the General Fund

Develop software for Kingsburg Care & Service Network

Design and implement a 10-year leadership succession plan

Promote New Path Center’s uniqueness in Marital Mediation, Alternative Dispute Resolution, and Anger Management

Constructive Confrontation

Constructive Confrontation (CC) is used to bring people face-to-face with reality and to say a difficult statement in a redemptive way.

• CC helps bring consistency between what a person says and what a person does.

• CC promotes open and direct communication.

• CC helps initiate action plans and behavior changes.

• CC is not lecturing, judging, or acting in some punitive manner.

• CC should not contain an accusation, evaluation, or problem solution.

CC requires self-exploration/preparation on the part of the one who is constructively confronting:

• How do you describe the messages from the other party (i.e. the party who you want to confront)?

• What observations do you have about the other party’s behavior?

• What evidence do you have that supports the messages and behavior?

CC statements often follow this pattern: “you said/but look”

• “You said . . .” repeats a message of the other party.

• “But look . . .” presents the contradiction or discrepancy.

For example:

“I hear you say you want life to be better, yet you have given reasons why you feel life will never be better.”

“You say you want to get back together, but you keep seeing someone else.”

“You say you want to go to college after high school, but you are not doing your homework.

“You say you don’t feel appreciated for what you do, yet you don’t let anyone know this is how you feel.”

“You say you want to get well, but you are not getting help.”

Finish off the statement with, “I’m confused by this, help me understand.” Or “I seem to be lost by what I hear and what I observe, can tell me more about what is happening.” (Of course, do this without sarcasm and be sure to watch your non-verbals.)

Adapted from Dr. Alan Wolfelt, Counseling Skills Fundamentals, 2001, Center for Loss and Life Transitions

Redemptive Reality-Check and Divorce

When You Are Thinking of Divorce:

The following is a collection of questions and statements regarding divorce. I offer them as a resource to those who are thinking of divorce. Please consider the depth and impact of your decision. These questions and statements help define a reality-check that may be the basis for redeeming your marriage.

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Excerpts taken from “Are You Really Ready for Divorce? The 8 Questions You Need to Ask” by Bruce Derman and Wendy Gregson, May 2008,

http://www.mediate.com/articles/dermanGregson1.cfm?nl=159

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The overall question is, “Are you ready for divorce?”

Why is this question important?

“The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for years or a lifetime.”

“Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options.”

“If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.”

“For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally.”

“To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions.”

1. Do you still have feelings for your partner?

2. Were you ever really married?

NOTE: Professionally, I (Tony Redfern) question the validity of this question because it allows people to re-write their marriage history:

“I never loved him/her in the first place.”

“I was forced into the marriage.”

“I loved him/her, but I was not in love.”

“I don't know why I ever married him/her in the first place.”

3. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening?

4. Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?

Good question. “People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.”

5. What is your intent in wanting a divorce?

“Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds.”

“Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people.”

6. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?

“Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.”

7. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?

“Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the ‘happy family’ dream. Hurts, disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage.”

“To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.”

“One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person's pain, be it your children's, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people's lives.”

“To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes:

If you don't want changes to your finances, lifestyle or traditions then you are not ready for divorce.

If you cannot accept your children's sadness and anger then you are not ready for divorce.

If you cannot acceptance times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce.

If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.

8. Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way?

“How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge or helplessness or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding and respect.”

“The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have. Your options are as follows. You can make Agreements that:

Protect your rights only or Respect your spouse's rights too

Are only good for you or Are good for everyone

Give your spouse less or Give your spouse what is rightfully theirs

Do not inconvenience you or Work well for everyone

Need frequent court hearings to enforce or Need no court hearings to enforce

For those who follow a Christian faith-tradition, please consider the following.

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Excerpts based on a portion of the chapter entitled, "Church Discipline: God's Tool to Heal and Restore Marriages," written by Ken Sande. This chapter is included in the book Pastoral Leadership for Manhood and Womanhood (edited by Wayne Grudem and Dennis Rainey, Crossway Publishing, 2003)

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The Myths of Divorce

"Do not be deceived." (e.g., James 1:16, Gal. 6:7).

Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

“Popular divorce mythology:”

Myth #1,

“When the love has gone out of a marriage, it's better to get divorced.”

However, “The basis of marriage is not feelings of love--in God's design, commitment is the basis of marriage, and love is the fruit.”

Myth #2,

“It's better for the children to go through a divorce than to live with parents who fight all the time.”

However, divorcing couples “usually have to admit that it's not the children they are looking out for, but their own selfish desires.”

Myth #3,

“God led me to this divorce. I repeatedly hear people say, ‘I know the Bible teaches that divorce usually isn't God's will, but in this case God has given me a real peace that this is right.’”

However, a sense of inner peace is not a conclusive sign of God's approval. Do you think Jesus felt inner peace in the Garden of Gethsemane?

Divorce may promise immediate relief, but in the long run, it too is usually contrary to the will of God.

Myth #4,

“Surely a loving God would not want someone to stay in such an unhappy situation.”

However, this myth is based on a humanistic presupposition that God's purpose in life revolves around me and my happiness.

It is crucial to help suffering people understand that God has something far more important in mind for His people than pleasant lives. His purpose is to conform us to the likeness of His Son (Rom. 8:28-29).

Myth #5,

“I know it's wrong, but God is forgiving.”

However, Deuteronomy 29:19-21 says, "If you presume that you can sin deliberately and then just say magic words and God will forgive you, how great will His wrath be upon you!" (Sande paraphrase)

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Excerpts from

BreakPoint

. © Prison Fellowship Ministries. "BreakPoint with Chuck Colson" is a radio ministry of Prison Fellowship Ministries.

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Why Christians Divorce

How could a man or woman, committed to both their spouse and their Lord, fall in love with another person?

"It seemed so good, so right. That's when we knew we had to get the divorces. We belonged together."

"It was just so good and right with Roger that I knew it would be wrong to go on with Paul."

Each are "invoking a higher law: the feeling of goodness and rightness. A feeling so powerful that it swept away whatever guilt they would otherwise have felt" for what they were doing to their families.

When Christian couples marry, they often say, "till death us do part." But what many unconsciously mean is, "till failing love do us part."

In reality, many people love their spouse, not as a person but as someone who evokes certain feelings. Their wedding vow was not so much to the person as to that feeling. So when such people fall in love with someone else, they transfer that vow to the other person. And why not? - "If vows are nothing but feelings?"

These thrilling emotions are called "The Sanction of Eros." This is an appeal to something higher than judgment, higher even than desires.

But "the sacred approval felt could not possibly have come from God, whose disapproval of divorce is explicit in Scripture. It is Eros, the pagan god of lovers, who confers this sanction upon the worshippers at his altar."

"The pronouncement of Eros that this love is so good and so right that all betrayals are justified is simply a lie,"

Couples need to know that it is only when Christ is at the heart of their marriage that they will be able to resist this ancient pagan call.

The NPC Marital Mediation Agreement is designed to set a redemptive path.

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When working with couples as a Marital Mediator, it has been my experience, to be very explicit upfront about the need to experience forgiveness and agreement to avert a marriage meltdown. Hence, I use the following document as a redemptive tool to frame the mediation dialogue and to set a hopeful path to reconciliation.

GENERAL DESCRIPTION

New Path Center (NPC) offers Marital Mediation to couples who want to stay married but have issues to be worked through, deeper understanding to be shared, forgiveness to be experienced, and agreements to be made and kept for a brighter marital future.

NPC encourages couples having trouble with issues of offenses and/or injustices, control, and power to use mediation to experience forgiveness and reach an agreement addressing these issues, thereby strengthening the marriage. Couples jointly hire an associate of NPC to act as a mediator, not as a lawyer or counselor for either party.

IS MEDIATION THE RIGHT CHOICE FOR YOU?

During a series of meetings, you and your spouse work with the mediator, and on your own time, to identify issues and work out a mutually satisfactory plan to address them. This work includes exchanging any and all information pertaining to these issues, and sharing of control, power and responsibility you consider best for the both of you. You are free to consult with a lawyer, financial planner or other advisor at any time. The process is designed to help you strengthen your marriage.

THE REQUIREMENT OF COMMITMENT

Marital mediation works only if you are willing to make a good faith effort to reach forgiveness and agreement with your marriage partner. There is no legal obligation to forgive or agree. Any constructive commitment to mediation, and to make the resulting outcome work, comes voluntarily from you and your spouse. Note: “yes” answers to the following questions determine if mediation is a reasonable resource for your marriage:

Do you want a healthy marriage?

Can we talk about anything & everything?

Will you own your part in the issues?

SOME BENEFITS OF MEDIATION

The processes of forgiveness, understanding, and agreement can change behavior in your relationship. Just identifying the issues you struggle with is itself healthy. Creating personal solutions will give your marriage a greater life expectancy. Learning communication and reconciliation skills will enhance all of your relationships. Your children will thrive in the absence of parental conflict.

THE COST OF MEDIATION

New Path Center does not maintain a set fee schedule for the service of Marital Mediation. These services are provided at the NPC office in Kingsburg, CA. The amounts are only suggestions for your consideration. Please see the attached NPC “Financial Policy, Fees, & Donations” document or visit:

http://www.newpathcenter.org/resources/NPCFinancialPolicy2009.pdf

THE MARITAL MEDIATION AGREEMENT:

We wish to define the terms of forgiveness, understanding, and agreement to help us stay married, as simply and sensibly as possible. We have read the description of Marital Mediation. Each of us agrees to participate fully in this effort to define our future behavior in order to improve our marriage.

We agree to hire ____________________________ as our marital mediator(s).

We realize our mediator shall not represent either or both of us as an attorney at any time in connection with our Marital Agreement. During the mediation we agree to disclose all aspects of our marital issues. Each of us is free to consult our personal advisors at any time.

We agree that all communications in mediation, including all notes, homework, draft contracts and other writings, are completely confidential. Neither of us can seek testimony of the mediator or disclosure of their file in connection with any court proceeding related to this mediation process.

We realize the mediator is in charge of the mediation process and will give each of us equal time as much as possible, whether our sessions are together or separate, and will not take sides other than to help guide us to a reasonable agreement designed to help us stay married. We realize we are not required to mediate any issue or to reach agreement on any issue. We voluntarily enter marital mediation.

(Signature lines and contact information)

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Relationship Management: A Pledge to a Totally Positive Approach.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Romans 12:18

“I will do only those things that are both good for the relationship and good for us, whether or not they return my goodwill.”

1. I will balance reason with emotion.

Even if they are acting only emotionally or with indifferent reason, I will balance emotions and reason.

2. I will work at understanding.

Even if they misunderstand me, I will try to understand them.

3. I will work at good communication.

Even if they are not listening, I will listen to them and talk to them on matters that affect them.

4. I will be trustworthy.

Even if they are trying to lie to me or deceive me, I will be trustworthy.

5. I will use persuasion rather than bullying or force.

Even if they are trying to bully me or force me, I will be open to persuasion and try to persuade them.

6. I will work at acceptance.

Even if they reject me and my concerns as unworthy of their consideration, I will accept them as worthy of my consideration, care about them, and be open to learning from them.

Adapted by Tony Redfern; Prepared by Ron Claassen; Adapted from Getting Together: Building Relationships that Get to Yes, by Roger Fisher and Scott Brown.